Quick! Read this before the window to Canada closes

Vulgarthon 2000. I think we need to start a few months back when I first thought about going. I contacted a few friends and they all called me stupid and crazy for even planning a 45-hour drive to New Jersey. I tried to retort, but I knew that I was stupid and crazy, but fuck it; I still wanted to go. So I collected a few favours owed to me and began plotting a way to get to Jersey. I found 5 friends, who just wanted to go on a road trip, and my folk's mini van, a van that they think I was borrowing to help a friend move just a few hours away. We logged on to MapQuest.com, found a route, called VISA to increase our limits and there we were: ready for the trip to New Jersey.

DAY ONE

We picked everyone up around 7 AM and went for an introductory breakfast, as it turns out a few of us didn't even know each other. First there is me, Xay, the Highlanders/Kilt wearers, Mike and Matt, then tall guy Kris, and Cosby sweater wearing Kevin. After breakfast at Perkins we prepared the van for the long haul. In preparation we pulled out our little 13 inch TV, which had a built in VCR, the play station, the CD player, the MD player, the cooler of food (trail mix, beef jerky, juice boxes, cereal bars, banana bread, BBQ chicken, coke, bagels with cream cheese, pudding snacks, etc.) and of course the little power converting thingie, that turned energy from the cigarette lighter into a plug in with a power bar. Of course we also had my laptop, which was fully equipped with a DVD player and a nice little road library of discs, ready for viewing when we got sick of the play station. The first day was fairly uneventful, just a drive, videogames and music. Let's face it Saskatchewan, Manitoba, North Dakota, and Minnesota suck ass.

DAY TWO

From Minnesota we moved on to Wisconsin, Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Pennsylvania, and finally Jersey.

DAY THREE

We pulled into Jersey around 4 or 5 AM Jersey time. We were exhausted but couldn't check into the Holiday Inn. So we decided to explore Jersey blind. We figured we could catch the sunrise over the Jersey shore. From watching Dogma we knew Asbury Park was right by the shore, and we planned to head there. First, we didn't know where that was and we just decided to drive east. It seemed like a good idea, and it was. We eventually found a sign pointing to Asbury Park and found Ocean Avenue, and hell if that wouldn't take us there, what else would? We caught the sunrise and headed back to the Holiday Inn for some shuteye in the parking lot. We took a three hour nap and decided to find breakfast somewhere in Red Bank. I don't remember the name of the Diner, but it's the one by the theater. It was packed, and we were told we can't smoke on Sunday's. We ate anyway, and after we decided to go on our own Askew tour since the official one wasn't for 4 hours. Again we had no idea where anything was because I never bothered writing down any of that shit. So we pieced the route together from the movies. First, we knew the Quick Stop was in Leonardo from the cartoon and Leonardo Leonardo, but of course we had no idea where Leonardo was, so we pulled out the Chasing Amy DVD and the little mini map. We were in Red Bank so we decided to drive north, um past Middletown and if we ended up in Highlands we went too far. That map was far more useful then we thought because after more blind luck we found highlands and went west and found the Quick Stop. After a few pictures we were ready to go, but then Mike felt compelled to buy Hustler's Barely Legal from the Quick Stop, just for a claim to fame of course. From there we went on to try and find Paulsen's Funeral Parlour. Luck gave out on us, and we just headed back to the stash to pick up our tickets and some photo ops with Walt. Walt, you rule. With tickets and shirts in hand we went back to the Holiday Inn to finally check in and shower after two days on the road. As we pulled into the parking lot we saw the Marksman doing last checks on the Askew Reality tour. By this time exhaustion had placed it grips on us, and all we wanted to do was shower and nap.

After a shower we headed out to find a liquor store and a McDonald's. Found both and went back to the hotel to drink. After a few beer and some rye we headed down to the lounge to meet all the other crazy cats. Mike and Matt decided to throw on their kilts and we were ready to go meet the fine Askew fans. As we came in there was nowhere else to sit, so we waited for a table to be brought up, and as we did, the Askew non-sanctioned Drinking song was our introduction to the group. There was Free-range up on a chair bellowing out, "Your cunt is drawing all them flies." It was definitely the place to be until the tab finally showed up. And by the way FUCK YOU holiday inn for the assumed 18% gratuity. Myself, I'm a twenty per cent sometimes twenty five per cent tipper, I'm a server so I know what a shit job it is, but to assume an 18% gratuity, just isn't my thing. So aside from that, around 1 am we headed up to sleep. On a side note I ran into Malcolm in the hall, and we talked about Local Heroes up in Edmonton where I first met him. He didn't really remember me, but that's OK, I just think Malcolm's a really great guy. Sleep. Sleep.

DAY FOUR

So today is the day eh. I forgot to mention I got a hold of someone to sell our last ticket to. As it turned out a friend dropped out, and I got lucky when I found a taker for a ticket on that Sunday night. Breakfast at the Holiday Inn sucked, but we were too lazy to go anywhere else. By the way, we'd like to give a little shout out to the Askew fan dressed as Trish in the Catholic School Girl outfit who was in the lobby around 830 AM. Nice. Anyway we left to find somewhere to park without paying in Red Bank, we actually found a spot, and went to take our place in line. The long line I might add. First mission was for me to find Brian. I think anyone within earshot of the line was well aware of this mission as we accosted everyone who walked by. "Hey Brian!" "Yo, Brian how ya been man." And all that jazz, after almost an hour, Brian does show up, much to the delight of some people in front of us. But the heckling and fun didn't stop there. By this time the fun continued as Michigan Chris, Mike, Anne, and two others joined in the hi-jinks. I think our favorite moment was when someone announced, "Maybe the line would move if you guys would shut up." But we're all friends and it's all good. So after standing in line for almost forever, we decided to chant for a Will Smith surprise screening. It was a toss up between Men In Black and Wild Wild West. So much were we inspired by the Fresh Prince we decided to sing (badly rap) the intro to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And just as we were in full swing of "Yo, homes smell ya later" Grace approaches us. That's right Mother of Kevin came to check out my friends' kilts and their lack of underwear. We all snagged a photo op and continued up the line. Still chanting for a Will Smith surprise screening. Let's face it. It could happen. I hear that Bruce Lee and Stan Lee are related to Jason, so Kevin Smith and Will must be tied in somewhere, it could happen, didn't y'all see Six Degrees of Separation. We got the handshake and Photo with Kevin, and then we made it inside where ShadyKatie had saved a row for our wacky Canadian Asses. As we waited for the show, Jason Lee stuck his head in the theatre and we all gawked. Lee Rules. Right after Lee's cut speech in Dogma. I left to go find a Sharpe pen and some Canadian cigs. Grabbed some signatures from Kevin and Malcolm, planned on grabbing Lee's autograph, but he was on the phone, and I wanted to give him some space because it seemed no one else was. Just waved hello and he waved back. Too cool just to be around the guy.

Next, one of the kilted compatriots had a great Mewes moment. The kilted guys went out for a smoke and Mewes was there. So one of the guys decided to get a signature and a photo. As Mewes and him settled in for a photo, some other guy tried to bug Jay for a signature, and with that guys own pen Jay pushed him back and told him he was in the moment of a picture. Nice. All the movies were great, and the Q & A's were nice. Drawing Flies, Malcolm nice work and Lee is an Actor. A Better Place, Vinnie nice little show and I'm so glad I preordered it over a year ago, I hope it's still coming. Clerks the cartoon. Props for Canada mentions, Kevin is great, I love the half an hour window of calls to Canada and the demon rain. Big Helium Dog. Lynch is the man. Blatantly Offensive Moments kicked so much ass. Back to the hotel for some more drinking, but after calling the Michigan suite and seeing as they were looking forward to sleep, we decided on the same thing as we still had another 43 hours of driving ahead of us. Yeah we should have gone down to the longue. Fuck we aren't bright up north.

DAY FIVE

Drive was alright we stopped in Pittsburgh for Supper. This is where our server dressed as Spock figured out we were from Canada, and we specified Calgary and then he told us how he hoped to go to Toronto one day and asked if we liked the Bare Naked Ladies, since they are Canadian and all. So I retorted with yeah, while we're in Detroit, we'll swing by San Diego since it's in the neighborhood, and oh yeah asked if he was a fan of Bruce Springsteen, I hear they call him the Boss down here. I'm an asshole. So we got back on the road, and as per suggested by Michigan Chris, me and my friends decided to find a map with Eden Prairie and decided to stop there on the way back.

DAY SIX

Minnesota and Eden Prairie mall around 10 AM. Um. It looks nothing like the movie from the outside. It's going through some serious renovations right now. After being in Eden Prairie for about five minutes and filming the nice pink and green pillars and the abandoned food court, a LaFours junior showed up and told us to stop filming. They probably didn't want us to be filming the numerous safety violations the renovators were making. The back bone of Eden Prairie still exists, but it's on it's way out, so for those of you wanted to see it, I figure all you have left is a month before it looks nothing like Mallrats.

After the Mallrats disappointment we headed back to the road for the last 26 hours of the trip. That turned into 39 hours because going through Saskatchewan we ended up in a blizzard and got stuck for 13 hours. Yeah that sucked ass. We did make it out. And in the end this trip was worth it. The films were great, staying at the hotel was great, standing in line was great, everything was, well, it was great. Hope to see y'all at the next one.

[an error occurred while processing this directive]