Prologue:

I am a dork. Reading this write-up may be hazardous to your health. But you may enjoy it, so read on. It is a bit lengthy but I doubt you have anything better to do for the next ten minutes. Okay, maybe you do. But you never know the cool stuff you'll miss out on by skipping it. It's entertaining, I promise. I even use the word "fuck" once.

Chapter 1:

I arrived at the airport in Newark at about 10 PM the Thursday night before the event. I was told to take the airport shuttle to Newark Penn Station and hop on a train to Redbank. A smelly foreign cabbie intercepted me in the baggage terminal and he told me there were no shuttles and that it would cost me 30 bucks to take the cab to Redbank. I told him that ol' Vinnie wouldn't lie to me about the shuttle and so I introduced the cabbie's head to the automatic doors. Well, okay, that's not exactly how it went down, but you get the point. So I finally found the shuttle area and after waiting 45 minutes for the shuttle that allows me to bring luggage on board, I was able to make it to the train station. A nice guy rushed me to the right area and helped me get my ticket out of the little machine. I think I could have figured it out myself, but he sped up the process by about 52 seconds. Afterwards, some guy told me that I was helped by a known con-man around those parts and he asked if I'd been conned. I told him that I was a genius and I introduced his head to the ticket machine for insulting me. Well, that's not exactly how it went down. But I was keeping my brain on high and was watching the guy to make sure he didn't screw me over. Anyhoo, I got on the train, arrived in Redbank, and made my way to the Crystal Motor Lodge at about 1 AM. The CMR was actually a really nice place. Well, except for the pool with the brown water. It was cold outside and I didn't bring any trunks anyway so no biggie. But the room was nice, closer to Redbank, and cheaper than the other places available. Thanks Vincent.

Chapter 2:

The next day, Friday, I met up with my friend Vincent. You may know him as the security guard in Chasing Amy. If you ask me, that's his best role ever and it's what really made him famous. Some people may argue that his film "A Better Place" was the clincher, but I'm still sticking with the security guard role. I met up with Vincent at the View Askew offices in the late afternoon. And besides being cluttered with boxes of swag, it was really a nice place. They had some great posters on the walls from all the films and articles and such. I tried to steal this huge Italian Chasing Amy poster when Vincent wasn't looking, but it wasn't too easy to roll up considering it was in a huge frame. So, not wanting to look guilty, I refrained from pocketing the poster. I made a mental note to try and break in the offices in the future though. I was introduced to Bryan Johnson and he later told me not to go see Blair Witch 2. So I took a few pictures of the walls, snatched a cool business card, and headed out to dinner with Vincent. Vincent took me to a Mexican restaurant called Juanito's. It was right down the street (on Monmouth?) from the theater in which the V-Thon was shown, so if you really want to go to it, just go to the theater and start walking in the direction away from Broad Street. It really was a good restaurant and the chicken burrito thingy was excellent, so I recommend it if you're ever in the area. I headed back to my room afterwards and called some 900 numbers, I mean watched some TV. Vincent picked me up later that night and we went and saw...you guessed it, Blair Witch 2. We had to give it a chance. We also met up there with a really cool guy named PHlooG (for you people who are stuck on board names). Blair 2 was horrible. Avoid it at all costs. I can't remember the last time I scoffed so many times during a movie. Enough said. I then headed back to my room and went to sleep.

Chapter 3:

Nothing super cool happened on Saturday and this write-up is already getting lengthy so I'll skip this day.

Chapter 4:

I woke up Sunday all pumped for the Tours Askew event. I figured it would be a cool way to meet new people and see some cool locations. But, as I've stated before, I'm a retard. Therefore, I didn't set my clock back for Daylight Savings and I was an hour and a half too early. Moreover, I didn't know anyone in the hotel. So I sat in the lobby by myself and waited. Luckily, I met a cool guy named Matt and his sister. Matt posts on the board as TKD27. I should have asked him what the hell that name meant. I'll just assume he saw a license plate one day and said, "Hey, that would be a cool board name." So anyway, I was early and he wasn't able to get his room yet so since we were both screwed, we headed to the Stash. I already had my ticket but still needed a shirt so I walked in and started yelling, "Where the fuck is my shirt?" I was then told that they were handing them out in the back and to stop being a bitch. Okay, it didn't really happen that way. I saw Vincent and PHlooG handing out tickets in the back so I took the opportunity to make fun of them for a bit. A bit later, Matt and I headed back to the Holiday Inn to get ready for the tour. Matt had his family up there so they took one car and I was thrown into a different car with three smelly strangers who were exchanging "Your momma" jokes. No, I'm kidding. I got super lucky with the car I was in and it couldn't have worked out better. I was hoping that I would be in a car with cool people that I could meet and hang out with for the remainder of the Vulgarthon and that's exactly what happened. I met my fellow passengers for the Tours trip - Darrell, Jeff, and Dave. These guys were hilarious and really a lot of fun to hang out with. Plus, they were driving my dumb ass around so that was a good thing. To keep this story short, I won't go into too much detail about the Tour. Some of the main points are:

• I was able to get a picture of Alvin and his message on the porn room door in RST Video before the guy got pissed at everyone and closed the store up.
• Darrell and I were able to convince the clerk at the Quick Stop to let us take pictures behind the counter when nobody was looking. He then got pissed because some people saw us and asked if they could do it too. He told them no and made us all leave.
• We ate at the Marina Diner and somehow when we left, there was a fork, a sugar shaker, and a water glass missing from our table.
• I got a chance to make fun of Vincent and PHlooG some more at the Stash.
• Vincent introduced my head to one of the glass display cases in the Stash.

Chapter 5:

On Monday morning, I got a call from Darrell about leaving for the Vulgarthon. It was half an hour passed the time I was supposed to call him and I felt shitty. No, not from the alcohol. I had forgotten to set my clock in the room back one hour (Again, I'm a retard) and the alarm still had fifteen minutes before it was set to activate. But luckily, we still had plenty of time. So I showered (for the benefit of others) and waited for them to pick me up. The Darrellmobile pulled up and I jumped in the back seat. I should take this time to tell you that Darrell and Jeff were both dressed up as Mickey Mouse because they thought it would be a cute Disney thing for Kevin. But when they told me about their plans to recreate Darth Dobbin's Mickey cartoon in which...well...something bad happens sexually to Kevin, I urged them to reconsider. So we drove back to their hotel and they changed into normal clothing. You can thank me later, Kevin. I believe we arrived at the theater a little after 9:00 and we weren't too far back in the line. We met up with Jennifer and Adam and waited for the doors to open. There were a few people behind us that we were able to spend the time making fun of them without them knowing (excluding Matt). The doors finally opened and everyone piled in. The five of us were in Theater 1 on the right hand side in the third row. And whoever chucked the Peanut Butter Cup towards the front, you missed. Bastard. Everyone there obviously saw the same films we saw and attended the Q&A's so I won't go into great detail about the day. Although Jason Lee is in trouble next time I see him because he left before I was able to get a photo/signature. And Vincent promised me twenty bucks if I mentioned to all you readers about how "great" and "powerful" A BETTER PLACE was (those were the words you wanted, right Vincent?). Seriously though, I absolutely loved his film. The partying after the event was also great. Brian O'Halloran arrived at the hotel with the lovely Diana Devlin shortly after the Vulgarthon was over. Darrell and I talked to Diana while fans were bombarding Brian. She is a very interesting woman and I really enjoyed hanging out with her. I excused myself later and starting mingling with others. It was already late and we were soon ushered into the lobby. People were loud and we knew we would be kicked out so Brian, Diana, Darrell, some other dude, and I headed up to the now famous Suite 509. When we got there, it was pretty empty and I hung out with a couple of people. Very soon after, the place was packed with people and the noise level rose. It continued to rise every five seconds until someone on the bed would loudly go "Shhh" and everyone would be quiet. For about 2 seconds. And even though it didn't work, this "Shhh" thing happened very often and about 10 hours later, they finally realized it wasn't working and gave up. Darrell talked to Diana the entire night and I think Brian was getting a bit jealous. I was hoping he would pick a fight with Darrell but it never happened. So I took charge for Brian and walked over and introduced Darrell's head to the wall. Well, okay, that's not exactly how it went down. Eventually, Brian started to realize the sweet relationship that was budding with Darrell and Diana and so he accepted Darrell into the mix. I foreshadow a threesome arising there sometime in the near future. I was also introduced to Don May, the big man of Synapse films whom is putting Vincent's film into wide distribution. Don was awesome and I hung out with him for a good part of the night. Well, morning if you want to get technical. We made fun of people, talked about the flick he was in that he dreads seeing because a certain someone is in it with him, talked about lots of other things, and we made fun of more people (especially those damn "shushers"). It was a lot of fun. I then watched Vincent become more and more drunk and try to take advantage of an even drunker person. Somehow, this didn't work for Vincent even though it's normally advantageous to the pursuit when the other person is sloshed. Poor Vincent -- maybe next time. But it serves him right because he tried to choke me to death during the party. Don started taking off his shirt to show off his muscles and scare Vincent into giving up. It wasn't necessary though because Vincent saw the outcome of the fight in my eyes and he quickly let go, apologized, and cowered in the corner for about five minutes. Others at the party can verify this, I'm sure. Well, he really did grab my neck. Finally, Darrell, Brian, and Diana headed out while I said my goodbyes to everyone at the party. I met them down in the parking lot and after hugs and last words, Darrell and I said our goodbyes to Brian and Diana. Darrell kindly drove out of his way (at 5 or 6 AM no less) and dropped me back off at my room. I went to sleep. Alone. Again. And this probably won't be the last time.

Chapter 6:

I left Tuesday. The Vulgarthon and partying was over, what more do you want me to write about?

Epilogue:

So, thanks to everyone who hung out with me (especially Vincent, Darrell, and Jeff - you guys are awesome), Kevin for throwing the event, all the stars for showing up, all the filmmakers for giving us a chance to see their work, and of course, everyone who read this entire write-up. Maybe I'll meet you at the next one (if you're so unfortunate). Have a good one.

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